Incandescence doesn't cut it.

I'm incandescent with rage. At least, I was until I realised that incandescence was really that paltry glow you get inside light bulbs. So now I'm 50 megaton thermo-nuclear explosion with rage.

Last Wednesday night I donated my old cellphone to the pixies that live under the counters of dimly lit, massively packed bars. It was the right thing to do.

On Thursday I dutifully blocked the SIM card and reported the phone donated. On Friday I arrived at the cellphone help shop - at noon - to get a new phone. Happily I was due for an upgrade anyway. I got a nice shiny new feature-packed wonder of technology that, as well as being able to separate hydrogen and oxygen from water and finding a cure for the common cold, can be used as a cellphone.

I also got a shiny new SIM card that allowed me to use the same phone number as before. How long before the SIM card was operational? Between four and five hours, the salesman/assistant/service provider told me, with the confidence of Japanese whaler fifty feet from his prey.

Cool, I answered. Naively, as it turns out.

Six hours later, still no activation. Called customer service and after a mere fifteen minutes got hold of a perky, helpful human being. Obviously an oversight, said the human, it'll be back on in an hour. At midnight I gave up and went to bed.

Saturday midday still no joy. Paid the help shop - in a different shopping centre - a visit at 4pm and explained the situation.

"Ah," said the guy. "They were supposed to activate it on two systems but only activated on one. It'll be back on in an hour and a half."

Said thanks through gritted teeth and went home. By 8pm still no joy (and how, pray, do you phone customer care when your SIM isn't working?), gave up and bought a starter pack.

Sunday, at noon, tried the SIM again and it was finally working. Which begs the question: Are cellphone companies chronologically challenged? Or just liars?

By the way, the cellphone company's name starts with a V and ends in an M. And has "odaco" in the middle.

South Africa's biggest supporter my arse.